NORTH KOREA TESTS BATISTA BOMB
Pentagon, U.N. Placed On Alert

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Governments of the world were placed on high alert as Kim Jong-Il, dictator of North Korea, announced what many had deemed impossible: Pyongyang has tested its first Batista bomb. Kim's declaration was corroborated when satellite imagery taken from the rouge nation's border with China revealed a cave-in measuring 20 kilometers in circumference with an estimated depth of 500 meters. More ominous evidence came in the shape of the crater: that of a large, egotistical man.

Invented by WWE Superstar and nuclear egoist David "Batista" Bautista, the Batista bomb is rumored to be capable of levelling a city the size of Tokyo when applied at its full force of 100 megatons. "The Batista bomb is the greatest weapon of distruction created in the history of mankind," said a visibly shaken Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, "and now that it has fallen into the hands of America's enemies, we are staring down the barrel of Armageddon." Rumsfeld then went on a half-hour rant outlining the Biblical signs of today's event and began screaming for the Rapture before being escorted away by red- faced Secret Service agents.

"Like the nuclear bomb, the Batista bomb has the capability of destroying the man-made structures of an entire city within seconds, yet its effect on human beings is far more devastating," says Oxford professor Nigel St. Hubbins. "When stricken with radiation from the Batista bomb, the human ego becomes immediately inflated to five thousand times its normal size, and tolerance for the success--nay, the very existence--of others drops to critical lows. Thus, people immediately become so enraged with each other for not recognizing their own individual successes, that they literally tear each other apart. The devastation seen in Hiroshima and Nagasaki seems almost merciful in comparison."

During an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council, members voted unanimously to issue severe sanctions against North Korea. Much to the surprise of the four other permanent members, China, Pyongyang's staunchest ally, called for immediate military action against Kim Jong- Il.

"The ramifications for China are catastrophic!" contested Chinese delegate Wu Xianxing. "The Chinese government has been strained in its attempt to clean up the fallout from the Jackie Chan-Chris Tucker clash during the filming of 'Rush Hour 2' in Hong Kong, and should any fallout from the Batista bomb make its way into China, we face a crisis unseen in this region since Richard Gere's last visit to the Dalai Lama!"

Russian delegate Sergei Popeliev moved to vote on military action. "We have ourselves just rebuilt from the devestation wreaked by Anna Kournikova. We cannot stand on our feet again if stricken by Batista."

At press time, U.S. president George W. Bush was unavailable for comment. A White House spokesperson, speaking with TWIT on the condition of confidentiality, stated that this morning the president met with Rumsfeld to discuss the crisis. Upon the meeting's adjournment, the president lit a cigar, pulled out his favorite Stetson, and reinacted his favorite scene from "Dr. Strangelove" by riding the former WWE Champion around the room and instructing him to "make falling bomb noises".

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