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BLOOD
SACRIFICE PLEASES MYSTERIO
 REY-REY
GRACIOUSLY GRANTS GOOD FORTUNE AND A BOUNTIFUL HARVEST TO HIS
WORSHIPPERS
ANDES
PLATEAU, South America - Former WWE World Champion Rey Mysterio
expressed his gratitude for a blood sacrifice this week by promising
his devotees "good fortune in battle, strong offspring, and
a bountiful harvest of wheat and sugar cane".
The blood sacrifice was performed
atop one of South America's numerous Incan pyramids. Thousands
of war prisoners and their families were escorted single-file
to the apex, where a Mysterian priest carved a large incision
in their abdomens, reached within, and pulled their still-beating
hearts out, placing them into a solid-gold urn before ceremoniously
rolling the lifeless bodies down the pyramid's crimson surface.
The sacrifice, demanded by Mysterio since his ascension to godhood
in 619BC, is performed every seven years, in accordance with the
Mayan calendar.
Read
More >>>
|  ANN
ARBOR RESIDENT'S VIRTUAL FEDERATION "MUCH BETTER THAN
WWE"
ANN ARBOR, Mi.- Sylvester Mirowitz, a 22
year old college dropout and call center employee, has his
sights set on greater things. Mirowitz believes that his
successful managing of his PS2 "Smackdown Vs. RAW"
career has granted him all the skills necessary for a job
on WWE's Creative team, and he dares anyone to come prove
him wrong. |
 UMAGA
MEMOIR #1 ON NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER LIST
NEW YORK, NY-The nation's literary critics
and casual readers alike have been enthralled by the latest
memoir to reach number one on the New York Times bestseller
list. "OOOKA MAKA BILAKA CHAWA! UMAAAAGA!", a
gripping recount of WWE superstar Umaga's turbulent childhood
in Samoa, has been hailed as this generation's "Autobiography
of Malcolm X" and "Catcher In The Rye" for
its tale of alienation, trial, and subesquent triumph. |
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