About 40.01 Years Ago

As I start typing this, it is 9:23 PM, Pacific Standard Time. That means it’s 12:23 AM in the land of my birth, Buffalo New York. In just an hour and a half, it will be exactly forty years from when my first cries echoed through the walls of Sister’s Hospital.

We’ve already passed the moment when my mother first went into labor. It happened several hours prior, on July 22nd 1976, during the celebration of my father’s 33rd birthday. So I’ve literally been ruining my father’s life since the day I was born.

I don’t remember much about that birthday. There was some crying, and some learning how to breathe air, but other than that I couldn’t tell you what else happened.

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Toes: A Parable Of Privilege

To those having difficulty wrapping their head around privilege, here’s a little story. It’s based on a tale someone once told me a long time ago, and I wish I could remember who it was. I’ve added somethings to make the message clearer.

This is a story about four people and their toes – specifically, the biggest toe on their right foot. Continue reading Toes: A Parable Of Privilege

Frogs, Fart Jokes, & F**k-Giving

Sometimes I found humor in things, but many times I was told what is funny.

  When I was ten, this kid Sammy showed me a book series called “Truly Tasteless Jokes”. It was part of a private collection he hid in his tree fort, a half mile from the trailer where he, his two younger brothers, his weird Baptist parents, and a couple dogs lived. I was certain Sammy and his family didn’t like me, and I wasn’t overly-fond of them either, but Sammy was the only kid my age within a 2-mile radius so it was either “go over to his place” or “hang out in my boring yard until my hellbitch stepmother needs something”.

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30 Things Tech Support Really Wants To Tell You

I was just cleaning some things out of an old computer, and ran across this passive-aggressive list from my days doing tech support for a video game company. It’s a list of all the things I really really wanted to say to people during my calls, but never did. It’s been lightly edited, and names have been changed because I’m not here to name names.
TechSupportGuy300Folks that worked with me before: admit it, you wanted to say these things too. Admit it, even if only to yourselves. The fact that we didn’t say these things is why we were total professionals and deserved way more money than we were getting paid.

1. “No, you didn’t follow the troubleshooting steps. I guarantee you missed a step, and I guarantee that step was ‘unplug it, then wait a minute before plugging it in’. You would also know that ‘take it apart and test it with a voltmeter’ is not one of the steps.”

Continue reading 30 Things Tech Support Really Wants To Tell You

Website: The Next Generation

It’s been a very long time since I’ve updated my website, which seems kind of silly since I pay for the blasted thing.

Anyways, I’m probably going to use this for things that are a little longer than the standard Facebook fare, but also things I do directly related to my art-for-hire business. Bear with me while I get the feel for this place.

Heh… “place” I said. Like this website is an actual physical place. Remember how like ALL GeoCities websites used to do that back in the day? You’d get talked into going to one, and the author would be like “yeah, just kick your feet up, relax, and enjoy your stay!” Like anyone opens a website and expects to be able to put their feet on an ottoman and order a martini, right? And exactly how much relaxing am I expected to be able to do around all these animated GIFs of hamsters and construction workers dancing to a squeaky MIDI loop of “Sweet Home Alabama”? Oh, and I dare you to find one GeoCities personal page that wasn’t perpetually “Under Construction”. I still have no idea how their business model worked; I suspect GeoCities and Angelfire were under some secret “Brewster’s Millions” contract or something.

The internet has an adorably embarrassing past, just like all of us. No wonder we love it so much.

or, How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Art